Why suicide loss creates complicated grief
After a suicide, loved ones and clinicians can be left dwelling on whether they could have or should have done something different to prevent the death.
Stigma and shame are still very much attached to suicide, and the grieving process can be even more complex than with other causes of death. People often feel a deep sense of frustration or anger toward the individual who died, and there are often so many unanswered questions.
Despite how far we have come, there is still a strong misconception that a person who dies by suicide acted selfishly or was weak or cowardly.
In the immediate aftermath, a loved one or clinician may feel regret that they “missed the warning signs” of suicide, but the reality is that in many cases, there are no signs, or they can only be detected with hindsight.
Communities often treat suicide differently than when someone dies after a battle with a physical illness or of natural causes. These other causes of death will be listed in the person’s obituary while their life is celebrated openly, and loved ones commonly experience an outpouring of support in the form of thoughtful acts, such as homemade dinners being dropped off.
However, when someone dies by suicide, a shroud of secrecy can leave loved ones unable to talk about their loss or feel as if they are unable to grieve. This can lead to a sense of isolation and sometimes shame.
Clinicians sometimes feel that they should not contact the family because they fear they could be intruding or because they are struggling with their own feelings.
However, reaching out appropriately, expressing condolences, and offering connections and resources can make the family feel seen and help reduce their feelings of isolation.
You could try saying:
“I am so sorry for your loss. Our team really cared about them, and we cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. How are you going?”
Or
“I just wanted to reach out with some resources for those who have lost someone to suicide in case you would find them helpful. Is there anything else I can do?”
While we all experience grief differently, we must give ourselves the space to feel the pain of the loss and seek support if needed. Losing someone, whether a loved one or someone we supported as a clinician, is hard, and it is okay to ask for help in moving through the process.
Related Resource for those bereaved by suicide:
- Australia - https://standbysupport.com.au/